Houses I’ve loved before

It is like a whole subculture has opened up to us: house hunting. We have never done it. We are lazy homemakers by nature: we lived in a one-bed flat near to law school, so small I could have a bath and chat to my boyfriend while he watched the football. Then we moved into his sister’s house, in the suburbs. She did us a deal on the rent. It was a two-up, two-down house. We liked the wooden floors and that there was space to put up a Christmas tree. We immediately filled the loft with novels and legal textbooks and old paperwork we’d never need again. My boyfriend’s sister wanted to sell, three years ago. We exchanged a glance, sighed, and said: ‘Okay, we’ll buy it’: the laziness of not wanting to move usurping the laziness of not wanting to save, to get a survey, the hassle.

But now, here we are, three years on, and our mortgage lender sends us letters about the end of our redemption period. We shrug when we receive them. ‘We should find a house soon,’ one of us will say. The other will nod, and agree entirely, and then we will do nothing about it.

Until two things happened:

  1. We accidentally sold our house.
  2. I got obsessed.

It began with the Rightmove parameters. Four beds. A detached or a semi. Character, I typed into the little ‘extras’ box. My world opened up into one containing field views, thatched roofs, bifold doors. ‘Uh huh,’ I thought, one night, with ninety tabs open. ‘I can get obsessed with this.’

Luckily, he got obsessed too. We drew little pockets of where we would like to live. Our criteria surprised us. Not en suites and suburbia and close to Waitrose but rural and quiet and spacious. Every day, the Rightmove alerts come in, and every evening, with coffees, we review them. We ponder strangers’ decorative choices. I like to pause at photographs of cats on beds. We usually agree completely on what we like and don’t like, which is nice. We like grey walls, Instagram bathroom tiles, and pretentious kitchens. We don’t like anything that looks remotely dated, except the walls of the house themselves, which must be at least a hundred years old, if not two.

We view them on Saturday mornings, slotted in around work and novels. We haven’t loved one yet. We viewed a Victorian town house and – inspired by their fruit bowl – bought a melon on the way home. We viewed a ‘doer upper’ that we laughed our way around. ‘We would just live in it, mouldy floors and all,’ we said. We viewed a grade II listed building which absolutely stunk of cigarettes. The estate agent was poker faced, and we kept exchanging mystified glances, wondering if perhaps she couldn’t smell it.

We viewed the most recent one on Monday, at 5:00pm. I picked my boyfriend up from the station after a day on my novel. ‘Look, it’s not set back from the road. There’s no path or verge,’ I said, pointing to the latest house. ‘And the road’s fast.’

We sat in the car, the rain tapping on the roof and running down the windscreen, and watched as the estate agent got out of her car and unlocked the house we would not be buying.

‘It’s a shame,’ I said, turning to my boyfriend in the kitchen. It was open plan, one of our criteria, but we could hear the roar of the road even inside. ‘It’s so open. We could chat while you watch TV, me in the bath, like we used to.’

He squeezed my hand as we left.


Life cycle of books

How funny it is that life constructs its routines and its rituals around even the most unusual of events: having a book out.

One month before publication:

Friends say, ‘let’s meet up in January,’ and author internally says ‘oh my God my book will be out then – what will life be like?’ Plans are not made. Whatsapps are ignored. Life ends on January 24th.

Three weeks before publication: 

Amazon pre-order obsession begins. Ranks are checked, and, sometimes, outsourced to friends and family to check lest author gets obsessed. The author refers to dates as ‘after my book comes out,’ and ‘right before my book comes out.’ Even other people’s birthdays.

Two weeks before publication:

Email checking is at all-time high. Usually, the author is supposed to be doing edits on another book, but ends up asking agent inane queries all day long.

One week before publication:

Author has strange feeling as though she may be in a vice. Cries at animal adverts. Shouts at the cat for running away when trying to de-flea him. Swears at a car that had right of way anyway. Friends and family say, ‘ah, you’re stressed about your book.’ Author denies it vehemently. Everything is fine.

Five days before publication: 

Author develops psychosomatic illness, usually of rare and exotic type. Often a fever brews, accompanied by non-specific ailments such as back pain and headaches. Author believes she is suffering from Dengue Fever and wishes to visit GP; friends and family say is all in mind/stress. This angers author. Author does seven loads of laundry in a bid to ‘take back control.’

Three days before publication:

Author spends days asking lots of needy questions, such as, ‘it doesn’t really matter about Amazon reviews, does it?’ and making sinister declarations: ‘anyway, you -’ pointing to significant other – ‘are what really matters.’

One day before publication:

Eerie sense of calm in manner of bride before wedding that is not going ahead. Cursory glance at Amazon, declaring it doesn’t matter anyway. Watches six episodes of Friends on Netflix with head hanging off sofa. Does not wish to talk about the book.

Day of publication:

Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Book in wild/tears/psychosomatic illness ends. Bed.

My Best Books of 2017

I mean, it was a pretty good year for *my* books

Everything But The Truth was released in March of this year and became a bloody bestseller. I will remember that day for the rest of my life. That evening, we went out and ate fried chicken and my boyfriend said: ‘did you ever think this would happen to you?’ with the sweetest, most quizzical look on his face, as I suppose I momentarily transformed in front of him from ‘girlfriend’ to ‘bestseller’ (and back again). ‘No,’ I said. ‘I had no idea,’ which is true.

Anything You Do Say followed in October on ebook (the paperback is coming in January). It reached number 4 on iBooks, much to my surprise one bleary Monday morning.

Screen Shot 2017-12-22 at 20.29.01

But, anyway, on to my best reads of 2017.

518fBIqlvxLFierce Kingdom by Gin Phillips

A lone terrorist attack in a zoo. A mother trying to protect and conceal her (sometimes noisy) four year-old. I was so tense while reading it that my cat wouldn’t sit on me.

Together by Julie Cohen

A high concept love story told backwards. It has a twist that knocked my absolute socks off.

In The Woods by Tana French 51jNG7yY+AL

I spent an extremely happy summer reading Tana French’s back catalogue. This is a stunning example of stylish thriller-writing. The relationship between the lead detective and his colleague was so real, I can hardly believe the characters don’t actually exist.

You Don’t Know Me by Imran Mahmood 

51FGxLLLLkLMy book of the year, probably my book of the century. An original, voicey, totally genius take on the courtroom drama, a sympathetic look at London’s gang culture, and much, much more.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine – Gail Honeyman 

Believe the hype about this book. I have hardly ever connected so well with a narrator and felt so keenly for them. It also has an absolute belter of a twist.

Persons Unknown by Susie Steiner51hSmoprD0L

I loved Missing, Presumed very hard. I read it last Christmas, voraciously, while ignoring everybody. Never has a novel taught me quite so much – the characterisation, dialogue and free-indirect speech are just to die for.

The Ma51roexK-3mLrsh King’s Daughter by Karen Dionne 

A fresh and extremely interesting take on the captive-woman thriller. Imprisoned by her father and unable to access the modern world, this is a tale of what happens after you escape – and what happens when your villainous father escapes prison, too.

Love Will Tear Us Apart by Holly Seddon

Hot take – this is out in July 2018 and is a fantastically compassionate look at a vow a couple make. To say any more would be to spoil the absolute joy this novel will bring you.

51Q5yeKumyL._SY346_Let Me Lie – Clare Mackintosh

Out in March 2018, Clare Mackintosh’s third novel delivers two of her huge trademark twists, neither of which I saw coming. It’s also an extremely satisfying take on grief, love, and moving on.

The Liar’s Girl – Catherine Rya51vqOrJrQ7Ln Howard

Another March release. This is The Fall in book form, but even more compelling. Howard can really, really write.

Sign of The Times 

‘Nice review in the Sunday Times,’ somebody tweets me. My boyfriend and I are watching The Sinner on Netflix. We’re going out to dinner in an hour and I can’t settle to anything. I am still, four months on from being part time, sometimes not quite sure what to do with free time.  

I angle the phone towards him. ‘Do you think this is true?’ I say. 


He reaches for it and reads. ‘Really?’ he says, then shrugs. ‘I don’t know.’ 


The Sunday Times. I can’t stop my mind from imagining it. Proper writers are reviewed in broadsheets. Lee Child, Zadie Smith. Imagine reading a review of yourself in The actual Times, I have thought before. What would your life look like if your work was reviewed in the newspaper? I couldn’t imagine it. 


‘Looks like it,’ my boyfriend says. He clicks on the link my Twitter follower has sent to me. There it is: recent thrillers. My name in the headline. 


‘I’m going to buy it,’ I say. Just ten minutes before, I had been wondering what to do with myself. And now – this. It is so strange, sometimes, to be a published author. All those people reading a review of my book in the papers in bed today and I had no idea. 


My boyfriend is used to these shenanigans and only sighs. ‘There’s money up there,’ he says, pointing to the bookcase. 


I don’t take anything except a handful of change to the shop; not even my phone. The ground is frosty underfoot and the night air is completely crisp. The walk to our local corner shop is short – less than five minutes – but I feel as though I’ll remember it forever. The silent night, the change jangling in my pocket. The bright lights of the corner shop up ahead. The smell of the print and papers as I let myself in. 


There’s a fat stack of copies left and I select one and carry it to the till, careful not to let the supplements fall out. I bought all of my press, back in March, when Everything But The Truth was reviewed. I have a drawerful at home; Glamour Magazine, Woman & Home, all kept pristine together in a tight bundle. But this is the first for my sophomore novel. The novel that says: here’s the next offering. After the debut. After my first. 


I carry the paper home close to my chest, like a baby, and let myself in to our warm house. ‘The woman on Twitter says it’s on page 38,’ I say to my boyfriend. I pass it to him and he spreads it out on the kitchen counter. This has always been how we have done things – bad news, good news, he always breaks it to me, and we default to it without thinking. I take my shoes off and stand, sock-footed, waiting, leaning against the fridge.


After a few minutes, he says. ‘It’s there. It’s good.’ 


He passes it to me and boils the kettle. I sit on the stairs and read The Sunday Times on a Sunday night that – somehow, miraculously – contains a review of the novel that I wrote. 

Anything You Do Say (May Be Given In Evidence)

It seems impossible to go to bed. I couldn’t. It would be like missing the New Year; going to bed in 2017 and waking up in 2018. And so I have stayed up, even though I am alone, and even though it is not the New Year, only: my New Year. My book comes out in half an hour, the digital edition only. The paperback arrives in January.

I sat up late on March 8th, 2017, too. The weather was similar; a sort of blustery nothingness, sometimes much colder than expected, sometimes so close-feeling that sweat formed and I had to take my coat off while walking, try to hold its puffiness in my arms instead. I had no idea what to expect on March 9th. I had joked at the time to my boyfriend that I couldn’t see past that date. It had sounded dramatic, even to me, but now, I can kind of see why I thought that. Having a book published had been my ambition – no, not ambition; something more than that – a raison d’être? – since I had been old enough to know what an ambition was, and here it was, looming. But, with reality and not fantasy, there is often a reckoning. It had to sell. It had to be a success. Otherwise, it might end for me, right as it had begun, like a match that’s struck and inexplicably snuffs itself out.

I couldn’t have predicted all of the changes that have happened since March 9th, my last New Year. Small changes clustered next to large ones like diamonds amongst costume jewellery, and I am still sometimes unable to tell the difference. It became a bestseller, and so I became a bestseller; a label that is forever attached to me, on my novels, said about me at parties, and in jest when I am being pathetic about not wanting to put the bins out. The things I used to think were important: the verified Twitter tick, the approval of strangers, the acclaim. The things I now think are important are still there, like planets slowly circling a sun I have been too busy looking at: that my family love me, that my boyfriend wants to spend his life with me. The friends who text me on this night, twenty minutes before my book is published, saying: how are you feeling? And the writing, always the writing; my life’s heartbeat, strong and consistent. Promoting book one. Editing book two. Writing book three. Book two’s publication plans. Delivering book three. Starting book four. Putting book four aside to edit book three. Oh look: a message from a reader in Hungary who loved my debut. Like having a busy family of four children whose names I sometimes mix up. Picking up book four again. First draft, second draft, third draft. Plot crisis. Character crisis. Slowly slowly slowly solving the puzzle and falling in love, year on year. A different sort of New Year, but the same, too.

I couldn’t, either, have predicted the less flashy changes. The effect of the changes, maybe. Realising as I wrote late at night in April in a train station, gloves on my hands as I typed, that I needed to go part time. Waking up on a Monday recently, after I delivered my third book, with no novel to write and nothing to do and wandering downstairs and running a hand along my empty kitchen counter. The constant, demonic fear of my last book being the best thing I will ever write. The worry that a book will be uniformly hated. That not a single person will buy it.

As I write tonight, at now fifteen minutes to midnight, I don’t feel many of the things I felt on the 8th March. The reviews will be as they are for every other book in the universe – some stellar, some irate, some constructive, and wincingly insightful too – and the sales will be what they will be.

It’s ten to twelve, now. I’m sitting in my office. A hot chocolate and a candle on my desk. And – here, and now – there are no reviews, no sales to consider.

It’s midnight as I type my name into Amazon. I see the box at the top flick from pre-order to buy now. But it’s not that that catches my attention, that films my eyes with tears. No. It’s simply my name. My book. Everything else falls away. Here I am, a published author – building a canon, no less – able to type my own name into, and find something there.




Writer’s Life

I worked all weekend. I use work interchangeably, now. For law and for writing. They are both work, in different ways. And in some ways, much the same.

I didn’t put my hair up with a pen – you know, like an artist might – or wear dungarees and take breaks for yoga. The reality of a weekend spent editing two short stories, one after the other – each of them ten thousand words – was not that. My hair was unwashed, held up by an old bobble with a curl of torn-out hair around it. Glasses on, no contact lenses. I had too much tea, too much coffee, too much Coke. I stopped for meals and, on the Saturday, to meet my father to give him my Kindle so that he could beta-read my short stories for me. I enjoyed that drive in the rain to the services at Junction 6 of the M42. I listened to rap music and let my mind wander.

I forgot to light a candle, the way a proper author might. I didn’t look at the framed poems I have hung on my wall – If by Rudyard Kipling, The Orange by Wendy Cope – and I didn’t look at the strange paraphernalia that surrounds me in my office – endless copies of my own book in different languages, a Penguin Classics mug with my book on, bookmarks and postcards and newspapers with my own reviews in. This stuff fades away as I write. Not because it’s not important, but because – it is sad, but true – I am only as good as the last thing I have written. Everything But The Truth must fall away as I tune in to something new.

The characters followed me around all weekend. Into the shower, late on Saturday night – I had to get out to write something down, my fingers wet on my iPhone, making the autocorrect go mad – and into bed with me. I got up in the night and wrote on the back of a receipt – try to evoke that feeling of meeting new people all the time and feeling like you’re really living life. That didn’t make it into the story, but, like the invisible first base coat on a wall, it didn’t need to, in the end.

I’m trying not to obsess about the obsessing. This is the way it is for me, the way it has always been, when I write, and the way it will likely always be. There are no carafes of water, no thoughtful, long, hot baths. There is only my one-beam focus, my blinkered gaze. I sweat under dressing gowns and change into Harry Potter t-shirts while still trying to type. I eat rubbish and do no housework. I feel in love with the characters, can’t break their eye contact.

I sent the short stories off today at lunchtime. They had taken me an age – several weeks longer than I wanted them to. I was frightened of them – their length, their form, the pressure of a new story, right in the middle of when I was writing a Big Book, and felt creatively tired – like trying to have a dream within a dream. I avoided them, faffed with them, moaned to people about how I couldn’t get them right, even though I had chosen to do them. And then, this weekend, I basically re-wrote them, in my Harry Potter t-shirt, with unwashed hair.

This is what it is like, in case you were wondering.

Part time life

There was never a moment when I wanted to write. No quiet, still moment while reading a book when I realised I could do that. I never really considered it; I just did it. Always have.


I am eight years old, and writing, on Notepad, a book about a woman who gets a new job. It is called A New Life and I have just discovered that there is a clip art which exactly matches the description of the woman in my book. It must be fate.

I never finish that book. My favourite part of it is the thrill of the blank page, the cursor flashing on and off, on and off. I open the document, and look at it, and think of all the things I can write.


Where Magic is Possible follows A New LifeI am thirteen. I start Three By The Sea when I am sixteen. What A-levels should I do if I am going to do an English degree? English, of course… but what else?

‘Are you going to do an English degree?’ my dad says in surprise. And me and Mum are like: obviously.

‘Oh, yeah,’ I say. It isn’t a decision. Of course I am going to read the greats. I want to know what has come before this writing; who wrote the first novel? The first bildungsroman? It is obvious, this choice, for me, like the feeling of wanting to get to know your parents, your grandparents, to want to explore the town in which you live.

‘Well,’ Dad says. ‘Great.’


I take a creative writing module at university, obviously, when I am nineteen. It is run by a woman called Candy. I am still writing Three By The Sea, but I shelve it to write a short story about a woman who kills herself. At the end of the term, my piece gets read out to the whole class while I feel something both squirming with embarrassment and opening up inside me: I should write my novel. I haven’t written any more of it, but have started a blog, this blog, and am writing most days; vignettes of my university life. I develop a rather strange habit of getting home and hanging my wet-to-the-knee jeans on the radiator and writing in my room in pyjamas bottoms, every afternoon.

I am never writing anything I am supposed to be.


‘I have an internship with Glamour magazine over the summer,’ a fellow English undergraduate says to me when I am twenty.

Oh yes. I should be doing that. Journalism, or something. Shouldn’t I? I want to be a novelist.

I would look into those internships.


I don’t look into the internships. At the end of university, on results night, I go to the Gun Barrels pub in Birmingham. I am off to do law, the following autumn.

‘You still got that blog?’ An indie boy asks me. He is clutching a vodka and coke, the glass curled into his chest.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I like writing. As a hobby. I mean yeah – I want to write novels. On the side.’

But who would do that for their actual living? How would they do that? It seems like aspiring to win the lottery or to front a pop band. Yeah, I want to write novels. ‘Like everyone,’ I add.


It is the 1st June, 2017 and I am sitting with my iPhone in my hand, in my bed, even though that is contraband because it stops me reading fiction.

I’m not really thinking anything at all as I scroll mindlessly through twitter.

‘Alright for you,’ my boyfriend says, glancing at me. It’s late, and he should be sleeping, because he has work tomorrow.

I do not have work tomorrow, because it is my first part-time week. A lawyer (a whole other vocation I could write a post about) for three days a week and an author for the rest. My boyfriend falls asleep and it’s just me and the cat in the quiet of the night.

Here I am, thirty-two years old, and tomorrow, I will become a novelist. Being paid to write. That thing I always wanted to do, but never felt I could.

Here it is.